When Holidays Hurt

Holidays aren’t happy for everyone. During Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Eid al-Fitr, New Year’s Eve, and other holidays, it’s understandable to feel sad when any of the below are true.

DECEASED Loved Ones

They’re not here to celebrate. They gave unique richness to your life. You hurt. Each time a wave of loss comes, try to recall a memory of how you made them laugh or smile. Is there something they’d want you to be doing? Perhaps consider how to honor them—what would you have done for them this day, that you could “treat” another to? Focusing on others can lessen pain. If a recipient doesn’t respond as hoped, know that God sees your generosity amid your grief.

It’s normal to grieve a life-changing loss. Consider reading these short online leaflets: You’ve Lost a Loved One, and Lingering Grief, available at AJA.org—Publications—Wellness—Leaflets—Emotions.

DIVORCE With Its Loss of That Former Dream and Activity

Commercials depict families celebrating holidays together. It hurts if we’re not in such a gathering. If separated from your kids on a holiday, beforehand, discuss your next get-together, and use some of the holiday preparing for that.

Don’t scroll or watch TV for hours; do something productive towards tomorrow when the holiday will be past—exercising, organizing part of your home, getting laundry done. You’ll awake the next day feeling good for what you accomplished.

Work towards a new dream and new relationships, described in the AJA leaflets, Overcoming Loneliness and Healthy Relationships.

DISTANT From Those We Want to Be With

If so, schedule to talk via technology that day; it’s great that technology enables communication. Maybe ship a package or card in advance, asking the recipient to open it while online, to share the experience.

Before that day, plan a get-together with someone local who may also be alone. For years, I organized a gathering at a local bar after the Christmas Eve service for those without family in the area, and a Christmas Day lunch at the only open restaurant in the area, followed by a movie. Many are alone on these days. Perhaps join with another to help coordinate a group event?

Nonprofits need help feeding the homeless or visiting nursing homes. Sign up early! When the activity is over, suggest to the other volunteers going for a walk or doing something else together.

DISEASE or DEPRESSION Keeps You Home

If so, invite someone over, to watch a comedy or share an interest. Have easy snacks like frozen pizza, and/or ask them to bring something.

Avoid negative news programs. Watch happy programs and uplifting movies! Locate and listen to encouraging radio and podcasts, like KLove, Air-1, or Moody radio or podcasts. Let them play, day and night.

Daily, read the Bible or messages like Our Daily Bread (odb.org), which can be received digitally. Remind yourself, often, aloud: “God is here with me and loves me,” which are true. Pray, asking him to help you get through today, one day at a time.

Make a list of what’s good in your life. Read it slowly, aloud, thanking God, for example, that you have a home, bed, food, life. Phone someone who is struggling, to encourage him or her and distract your self-focus.

Consider reading the AJA leaflet Beating Depression and try its suggestions.

DEBT Restricts What You’d Like to Do

With enough money, we can travel and buy gifts, but if insufficient funds make such things beyond reach, forego them! Don’t worsen the situation with large expenditures. Rather than provide a meal, plan an assigned potluck, so others share in its prep and expense. You’ll all be more comfortable after the holidays, having followed wise limits. Check community websites for low-cost activities like free museum days, church concerts, etc. Take a winter drive with a friend, viewing holiday lights with a thermos of hot chocolate.

Use some of the holiday time to plan what to do differently in the months ahead to improve finances: consider reading the AJA leaflet, Handle Money Wisely, and/or visit www.faithfinance.net, or www.Christiancreditocounselors.org.

DUTY Keeps You at Work

You are vital to inmates, visitors, volunteers, and fellow officers when you serve in corrections on a holiday, so thank you! If sad that you must work, focus on the fact that the shift will end. Don’t hesitate to accept any outside event, even if you must leave early or arrive late. Participate in any holiday activity held at the jail. Enjoy what is available or help create it!

If Experiencing Any of The Foregoing, Can You Feel Joy or Peace?

Here are more suggestions:

1. Don’t Compare.

If you find yourself comparing your holiday with others, be grateful for what you do have—like work, eyesight, mobility, a future—all valuable. “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you, through Christ Jesus” (1st Thessalonians 5:18). Jesus (God in human form), loves you and died for all your sins done in the past, present, and future. You needn’t worry about being better than others, or “good enough,” to get into heaven—because no one can earn entry by their own effort. Instead, choose to believe that: “…the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus” (Romans 6:23), and “through Jesus, your sins are forgiven.” (Acts 13:38).

2. Deal with Regrets

If there’s something you wish was different and you have ability to change it, start working on it. If you need to apologize to someone, do so sincerely. If you need to forgive someone, do it for your own peace. If you can’t change or resolve something, begin to let go of whatever is hanging over you, perhaps by reading any of these three AJA leaflets: Forgiving Myself; Good & Bad Guilt; and Forgiving Others. (Forgiving others keeps us from bitterness.)

3. Replace Disappointment with Goals & Action

It’s okay to admit that things aren’t always what we’d hope. We all feel this way, sometime. In fact, Jesus predicted, “In this world you will have trouble but take heart—I have overcome the world” (John 16:33)! Decide to use feelings of disappointment as a trigger to productive action! Exercise, clean a room, or help someone. Positive action improves the attitude.

Identify what you’d like to change in the new year. Remember how you gained your career in corrections by applying, training, becoming a deputy, then faithfully serving?—you are capable! Draft a realistic timeline, steps, and whom you might involve to achieve your goals. Tackle just one at a time; achieving one goal gives motivation to tackle the next.

4. Reach Out

Discussing difficulties with a good listener is healthy and wise. When an issue weighs you down, don’t ignore it; share it with family, a faith leader, Peer Support, an EAP counselor, or chaplain. If one doesn’t help, try another; you’re unique, and not every counselor is helpful for every person. Look at all you’ve accomplished in corrections—a profession few can do. Apply that same perseverance to finding a resource that truly assists you.

5. If Suicidal Thoughts Come, Call Suicide Prevention At 988

It’s not weakness to seek help. If you prefer, tell them you want to remain anonymous. We all need help throughout life; it’s the norm, not an aberration. God designed us to need others, just as we need him and the wisdom offered in his Word.

Please read the AJA leaflets Pushing Suicidal Thoughts Away, and Suicide Prevention Contacts.

Every Holiday Is What We Make It.

It’s not what others say it should be nor how your holiday compares to others. Celebrate for reasons you choose, in ways that fit your life, priorities, finances, and values. Make the best of what you do have. Know that God “loves you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3), and promises to be with you always. You’re never alone.

Our time on this Earth is infinitesimally short compared to eternity. So, if you have an accurate view of a coming, perfect eternity (which is promised), and have planned for it, this assurance puts today’s disappointments into an encouraging perspective. Assurance of a future, fabulous eternity, makes this life’s struggles much more bearable. The AJA leaflet, Eternity & Life, explains this. And, if you share it with others, it will be the best gift you can offer them!

If you’ve any questions or thoughts, it’d be my privilege to hear from you.

Thank you for your service. May each holiday time be meaningful to you.

References

The Bible. “Five ways to cope with the holiday blues” November 2019 www.CorrectionsOne.com by Morgan, Amy, Founder/Director of www.AcademyHour.com. Morgan is a Tactical Combat/Care/Law Enforcement First Responder.

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Chaplain Linda Ahrens Chaplain American Jail Association