Grief and Grieving

In the past few weeks at our jail, two recently retired COs, an active officer, and family members of staff have died. Death is common but never becomes easy.

Grief hurts. When a workmate or loved one dies, it hurts. We're designed to feel love, enjoy companionship, and share life, so it is understandable that such a loss brings pain.

Grieving is how our body and mind deal with this huge, often unexpected, loss. Grief’s unpredictable, odd combinations of emotions can cause confusion and despair. We can’t change the reality of the loss, and staying in painful grief forever isn’t what we want. The only path left is to give ourselves time to fully process the loss, then cherish good memories, and to live each day, moving forward.

Give yourself permission to grieve to be sad, to be angry (even at the deceased or God), glad, or afraid. Grief is a process: experiencing and adapting to loss, with a pace unique to each person. You grieve as you accept the reality and finality of the death, reflect on your personal loss, fall apart, and pull yourself together, repeatedly, changed each time.

Expect to not "be yourself," for some time – physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. There may be unusual symptoms, feelings, and behaviors, including but not limited to disrupted sleep, loss of interests, feeling helpless or disconnected, fearing or experiencing a break-down. It's normal to feel abnormal. However, if you are considering suicide, please immediately call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 988 or 800-273-8255 (#1 for Veterans), or visit www.SuicidePreventionLifeline.org, or text TALK to 741741, or go to an emergency room. You matter. Don’t give up.

Care for yourself. If you were the caregiver, you may have neglected yourself, and even missed medical check-ups, so do so now. Daily, assess your emotional state, which helps healing and tells you how to care for yourself. Don't try to numb grief with alcohol, drugs, comfort foods, excessive exercise, or activities that can be destructive, like gambling or excessive shopping. Drink water often. Eat healthily. Exercise regularly. Rest. An hour before bed, set aside digital media, listen to positive, soothing music, and/or read something inspiring, like scripture.

If unpleasant images, memories, or thoughts come, lean into them; think them through fully to avoid internal discord. Accept that you did the best you could. Live in “what is,” not “what if.” Don't deny reality or suppress grief, as it will surface in unhealthy or harmful ways. Our bodies are designed to cry when upset; tears are a helpful, healthy release. You may want to write out your feelings to share with a counselor.

Don't expect to "get over" this loss quickly. It's often 18 - 24 months before healing from grief begins and can take 3 to 4 years to complete a grief journey.

To help yourself cope, list what must get done. It will help you keep track, when fatigue and grief impede clear thinking; plus, checking tasks off acknowledges accomplishment and normality. Don't be tied to a list; be flexible, especially if receiving an invitation.

Defer major decisions and changes (e.g., work, residence, investments), since we can make bad choices when upset. You lost more than a person; perhaps you also lost an advisor or helper; there are often 20 - 30 such 'secondary losses.' List roles the departed handled, and possible helpers or ways you can try to manage those tasks in the future.

Be patient with others who may have good intentions but are awkward around grief – who say insensitive things or avoid you.

Clearly express needs -- what you want and don’t want – to those who won't tell you what to do, how to feel, or minimize your feelings. If someone disappoints, contact another.

Some relationships may change after a death, so connect with people who aren’t controlling or negative; good relationships are vital for healing.

Plan what to do on anniversaries such as the deceased’s birthday, and holidays. If it's usually a gathering, perhaps arrive a bit late, to minimize conversation. Don't commit in advance to help, so that you can depart early if needed. Be gentle with yourself. Experience it and decide what to keep or change for the next time. If there’s something special you would have done for the loved one, perhaps treat someone else to it -- a way of honoring them.

Choose good thoughts. You talk more to yourself than anyone else does, and what you tell yourself impacts life. Recall good times with the departed -- when you made them laugh or pleased them.

Ask God for help – to bring the right people for comfort, to visit, to listen to or share your memories, or go through the deceased’s belongings with you. Daily, pray for strength to get through whatever must be accomplished. Knowing God doesn't take away the ache; but he wants to offer comfort amid pain. If angry at God, tell him and ask him to help you let go of the anger.

People are a gift from God, given for a time. They’re gone, but you aren’t, so don't postpone joy or good thoughts. When ready, explore new roles and activities. Don't feel guilty when you feel better or enjoy something or someone. Satan wants us to isolate and never recover, but God designed us to be with others, and to heal.

Regrets and guilt. We may regret something we did or failed to do for the deceased. What can we do with such feelings? Perhaps apply it in future – reaching out to others to clear up misunderstandings, offering thanks, humility, love, and forgiveness. This honors the departed and enables you to grow through your loss.

Forgive yourself and others. We all make mistakes. Don't carry false guilt, which is wrongly owning responsibility for something you didn’t cause. Legitimate guilt is when we didn't do what we should have done or did something we shouldn't have. Even if we caused or enabled the death by inattention or a poor decision, forgive yourself. Also, forgive others; if someone caused the death, anger is normal, but bitterness harms you, so forgive. (The AJA website’s “Publications - Wellness Leaflets” offers guidance on: Guilt, Forgiving Others, and Forgiving Yourself.)

You are unique, with your own timing, before you recover enough to deal with life fully again. Take it one day at a time. Healing isn't steady; you may feel better, then something will retrigger the pain of grief. This is normal. If you've experienced other deaths, multiple losses can build up so, if you've not yet healed from past losses, it's vital to address all now, perhaps with your faith leader, an Employee Assistance Programs counselor, Peer Support, or your jail’s religious support staff.

Group help. Many find a grief group helpful. A national organization, GriefShare, offers small local groups at www.griefshare.org. Its groups, each led by a counselor, meet in person locally and by zoom. Its sessions include short videos on aspects of grief and ways to deal with these. Participants are free to just observe or to share feelings and ask questions. Sessions run for about 2 hours for 12 weeks and can be repeated months or years after the loss (often helpful on anniversary dates). A one-time, small fee includes a workbook. For a convenient group, visit the website, which also offers other help.

Kids grieve, too. Don't repress this, but model for them that it's okay to cry, be sad, and to talk about the loved one. If they’re confused, suggest they draw or write stories about the deceased. Let them play, even when you think they should be solemn, such as at a wake. If they wish, let them see the casket or write a note to say good-bye. Maintain their routines, which are reassuring and healing. Discuss with them why the loved one died to ensure they don’t think they’re responsible. If issues persist, find them a counselor.

Be grateful for what remains - out loud – even for small things: home, bed, shower. Compose and daily read a list of what's still good, to balance the loss: friends, home, music, learning, life.

If more than a month has passed and you continue having difficulty sleeping or regaining functional normalcy, see a counselor or doctor. Use all available resources; if one doesn’t help, try another.

Loss reminds us that someday it will be us who dies. Any time that you want to discuss death and eternity, contact your faith leader, or if I might help – in prayer or otherwise – it’d be my privilege to hear from you.

Linda Ahrens

AJA Chaplain

LindaAhrens1@yahoo.com

Source: www.GriefShare.org