The deputy softly shared: “I’m lonely.”

She served at our jail with hundreds of staff, but had no one with whom to share her life.

Loneliness is an unwelcomed emptiness that can occur in any setting: single, married, in a family, crowd, even at work or church. It differs from solitude, where we enjoy alone time and recharge.

Prolonged, loneliness hurts; it’s a sense that there’s no one sharing my life’s joys or problems.

The lonely rarely mention this to others, believing they have no one to tell! This is one reason why every jail should have a chaplain who walks the facility, connecting with each available on-duty officer; chaplains offer a safe, confidential, listening heart1. Or, the lonely in law enforcement, may wrongly believe that they should “be strong” against loneliness.

I was impressed by the CO who confided her loneliness. As with any issue that is addressed, we were then able to discuss potential solutions. A few months later, she reported the happy news of friendship.

It’s Vital to Admit When Lonely, and Seek to End It

Why? Chronic loneliness impairs physical and mental health. The World Economic Forum reports that loneliness poses a greater health hazard than obesity or smoking. Loneliness contributes to high blood pressure, sleep disorder, and inflammation, making it hard to cope with stress.

A Harvard study reports loneliness can shorten life by eight years, because it degrades the immune system. Loneliness increases a person’s mortality rate by as much as 26%.

Loneliness has skyrocketed as more people choose to live alone, delay or forego marriage, or isolate with social media. It can also result from isolating work and shifts—common in corrections.

COs, for 8 to 16 hours, oversee detainees with whom they can’t safely share their full name, let alone personal matters. The nationally average shorter lifespan of COs (56 years), is partially caused by the loneliness inherent in this profession.

COs: Make Connection Your Priority

You wonderful COs push yourselves to do all that is needed at your agency—working extra shifts, tolerating difficult situations, personalities, and environments, even when exhausted or in physical pain. Please apply that same dedication and perseverance to acquiring regular, healthy, and friendly social interaction for yourself. Below are some suggestions.

First, admit to yourself if lonely. Then, assure yourself: “I can change this!” Rather than scrolling social media or watching screens:

1. Push through. Even if tired after a shift, show up for any family/friends’ get-together, even if it’s just for the last half hour. And, if you can only enjoy a gathering for a short period before work, still go; it shows others that they matter to you, and you’ll head to work having connected!
2. Build a list. Create a list of potential friends from acquaintances and staff. Keep adding to it. Plan, once every week or so, to contact one or two until finding those who are available. Take the risk to reach out (think of all you risk serving in law enforcement)! Two or more are even better—putting less pressure on each person to converse. Even if exhausted today, spend a few minutes planning a social connection for later in the week.
3. Be vocationally active. While hours on a tier can create isolation, your profession also offers opportunities to build relationships. Are you an AJA member? Do you participate in its iConnect forum? Attend its conferences? Volunteer for a committee?
4. Consider sites like www.meetup.com. It offers groups that visit local museums, restaurants, or do various hobbies—the variety makes it easy to meet those who share your interests. You needn’t be an expert; go to learn—a great way to develop relationships is learning from another.
5. Take a trip. Sign up for group travel to get to know others as you see the world! Some are dedicated to singles, such as single golf associations.
6. Consider a pet. They may limit freedom to travel, will be alone often due to your profession, and are costly. But if you have or get a pet, join a group to train it and meet other owners for playdates and to swap pet-care when away—containing costs, and keeping pets happier.
7. In public, put away your cell. Look around; talk with someone at the check-out, bus stop, or gym. Usure how to start a conversation? Watch a podcast on it, or read The Six Conversations by Holleman.
8. Help others. Offer to mentor a new PCO. Select a non-profit organization you admire, and volunteer; you’ll meet other helpers and remove the focus from yourself. Volunteer several times; anything worthwhile usually takes more than one attempt.
9. Be alert for the lonely. Ask God to help you notice who would welcome friendliness. If you’ve friends or relatives who are house-bound or in a care facility, set up a schedule to regularly call or visit them.
10. Try a faith community. Lonely in Chicago, I tried church (I’d not attended for 23 years)—not for theology, but to meet people. I gained friends and information which changed my life and eternity and began a path to becoming a chaplain. If I’d not reached out to resolve loneliness, I wouldn’t today know wonderful correctional people! Loneliness may be God’s way of drawing you to learn about his love for you. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18). Read some Bible daily, find a church you like best (it won’t be perfect; nothing in this life is), and participate, perhaps in a choir or stacking chairs.
11. Pray to be given a friend. God doesn’t want us to be alone. Ask him to bring you a friend. Be specific; he’s a God of details. In past, I’ve prayed to be given a new friend whose interests, schedules, and proximity enable good connection, and God provided! Such prayers made me alert to newcomers in my life; was this the God-sent friend?

Do You Turn People Off?

If you repeatedly suggest get-togethers to others, who decline, seek the reason. Some constantly have full commitments, but not everyone is always unavailable. Might you have a mannerism or quality that repels people? Are you negative—a whiner? Do you dominate conversations—always talking about yourself, giving your opinion, rather than asking others about their lives? Do you have bad breath? Poor hygiene? Show up late? Do you expect others to pay your way, or don’t thank them or reciprocate when they do? Do you take offense easily? Such traits can alienate people, but can be changed.

And, don’t keep a scorecard. Personal relationships shouldn’t be contractual—i.e., “I’ll do this but only if he/she does that” (the cause of many divorces). Instead, give what you can, without worrying about balance or repayment. Don’t be a doormat, but don’t wait to receive before you give; be grateful you can.

Loneliness As a Gift?

God has never been alone. Eternally, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have enjoyed each other. Since God made us in his image, we also desire companionship, as he stated (in Genesis 1) about Adam, “it’s not good for man to be alone,” and provided Eve (a dog wasn’t sufficient).

Loneliness can thus be viewed as a gift: a God-created hunger placed in us, so that we don’t isolate, but seek others, learn from, and help them, and gain fuller lives. Such hunger should also lead us to seek God, his Bible and church family, because no humans can meet all our needs.

It’s Hard to Feel Loved When Lonely

But God’s love for you isn’t just a feeling; it’s far more. His love acted: he came to Earth as Jesus, set aside all power to become a limited human being, to unfairly die a criminal’s death, to pay for sin. Then he rose from death and was seen for weeks by hundreds—proving he’s God, and assuring followers that they’d also have eternal life.

We’ve a choice about our eternal companionship. Those who accept Jesus are promised an eternity without sadness or loneliness. For more on this, read the gospel of John, Or read the short, online leaflet, “Eternity and Life” at aja.org—publications—wellness leaflets—spiritual matters.

Next time you’re lonely, recall Jesus’s promise: “I am with you always” (Matthew 28:20), and talk to him.

If you have a question, or a tip to defeat loneliness, I’d love to hear from you!

References

www.WebMD.com, www.weforum.org/loneliness, www.health.harvard.edu/powerandprevalenceofloneliness, www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/loneliness The Bible, English Standard Version

Endnotes

1. For more on this, visit AJA.org–Publications– Chaplains for staff.

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Chaplain Linda Ahrens Chaplain American Jail Association