Growing Kids into Adults

Driving to the jail, a bumper sticker on the car ahead proclaimed: “I love my rotten, ungrateful kids.”

While its surprising message prompted a laugh, it’s a sentiment I have heard from corrections staff: that kids do not always appreciate what their hard-working parents provide.

Parents love seeing a child’s joy when receiving a toy or treat. It’s normal to want to give to demonstrate love. Yet, should a parent continue to give regularly and in all areas as the child grows into a tween, teen, then adult? It may require self-restraint to not over-indulge kids as they grow, as it’s the only way for them to grow into self-supporting adults and develop mutually respectful adult relationships.

Correctional shifts can affect time spent with family, special events, and holidays. As a result, staff may try to compensate by being more financially generous. But money can’t replace time spent together and it is not a healthy way for children to view parents: chiefly as a source of funds or goodies.

Stunting their growth

If, say, an 18-year-old (or older) kid won’t work, pay for their car, clothes, or entertainment, or a tween won’t do laundry or clean their room, are you enabling them to continue as children in adult bodies? Do your kids have a job and live at home but use their income solely for personal fun, while you cover some or all of their cell phone bills, clothes, car, insurance, gas, groceries, or other expenses?

Parents won’t live forever. The best gift as kids grow up is to prepare them for self-sufficiency rather than providing and “doing” all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning. Such indulgence stunts kids’ development toward independence—evidenced by those staff who complain that their grown kids aren’t becoming responsible or even helpful at home.

Grow Kids’ Capability

Watch 3 and 4-year-olds. Invariably, they automatically ask to “help” and “give.” They want to imitate and “do” like their elders. These impulses and desires should be nurtured by parents and older siblings—even if youngsters make a mess or delay matters as they learn; over time, they’ll learn, and be helpful!

Kids can be guided to steadily take on more responsibility for home duties and the care of belongings to cultivate life skills. God describes it this way: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6. “Continue in what you have learned…from childhood…able to make you wise…All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, reproof, correction, and for training…that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:14-17

Kids can be taught by parents and older siblings to start helping at a young age and steadily receive more responsibilities—say, picking up toys when 3, putting their dirty clothes in a hamper when 5, stripping the bed for laundry when 6, folding clean clothes at 7, etc. In their tweens and by their late teens they’re capable of doing laundry, vacuuming, mowing grass, helping with grocery shopping, carrying, and putting it away, and more.

Don’t demotivate through indulgence. A kid for whom everything is done and provided for has little motivation to do for himself or herself. Laziness and dependence can be learned from parents who over-do and over-give to the child/teen/adult.

Tips for home responsibilities

Always accept help when a child offers unless it’s a dangerous project.

• Ask them for help, even if you can do it yourself.

• Use your imagination to teach tasks in fun ways, perhaps music and dancing while vacuuming or singing while cleaning up the kitchen?

• Thank them for what they did right. Don’t mention a spot they missed, or a task done imperfectly.

• Explain how their help contributes to freeing up parent time for family fun events.

• When older teens want to party with friends, home duties must still be completed.

• A free, excellent e-newsletter is available at www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org, which also offers free online parenting courses, e-books, and events to guide you up to and through the teen years.

Balancing Motivation without Temptation

Officers occasionally share the concern that their adult child—living at home—won’t work. When asked if the kid has a cell phone, car, and so on, I’m invariably told “Yes.” Then I ask, “How do they pay for these things?” and the officer shares that he or she is paying for everything.

So, I ask, “Do you see a pattern—where there’s no motivation to work if they are receiving without contributing?” This isn’t in God’s plan for a family: “…a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.” Proverbs 29:15. (Now, the 31 chapters of Proverbs are not promises; there is no guarantee that following them will always result in a positive outcome, but these are God’s loving and wise guiding principles which if applied, typically have a beneficial outcome.)

Young adults benefit from working and having financial goals to learn to develop a plan for savings, spending, and donating. Such skills and attitudes will bolster their self-confidence, increase a desire to learn, and give them a basis to thrive as adults.

In other instances, some parents shared that their teen or young adult child stole funds from them to meet the parents’ requirements that they be more financially independent. So, make sure financial goals only gradually become their responsibility and are reasonable. Regularly discuss how money matters are going and don’t shame them when they fail. Instead, help as needed, and be a guide to their success: do not tempt them: keep your cash, passwords, bank, and credit card account numbers secure. You can also share with them your mistakes and the changes you made for improvement.

Help your teen consider a career that is truly needed in society so that they become skilled in an area with well-paying job opportunities. Rather than fully funding college, encourage young students to save for college, apply for grants and scholarships, and if applicable, consider less costly community colleges or trade schools. (Just because a degree is offered, sounds impressive or interesting, doesn’t mean it will make the graduate employable or pay off college debt or cover grocery bills.)

Two Crucial Skills

If you want kids to grow into self-confident adults, psychologist Dr. Edward Hallowell says in his book, The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness (Ballantine, 2002), that kids must develop two crucial skills: the ability to overcome adversity, and the capacity to sustain joy. Life is full of disappointment, so introduce them to ways to persevere and see good as they tackle responsibilities and opportunities. Let them learn from your challenges, financial or otherwise so that they can learn that you’re not perfect either, yet you have persevered.

God never promises us a problem-free life but promises to be with us through it. Help your kids to know and lean on God, to learn how to get through challenges without giving up, and gain confidence in their abilities—because they’ve persisted, learned from mistakes, and grown. “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:4

It’s impressive how quickly kids can learn and manage many tasks if they receive loving instruction, see a good role model in you, have opportunities to practice, and are encouraged to try again when they falter. Then they can steadily mature through personal responsibilities, understand their feelings, and use their God-given talents and abilities. To help in this journey, you might want to teach them what God says:

“Children, obey your parents…honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise: so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3

“…do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Discipline your son…and he will give delight to your heart.” Proverbs 29:15 and 17

“A fool despises his father’s instruction, but whoever heeds such guidance is wise.” Proverbs 15:5.

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Chaplain Linda Ahrens Chaplain American Jail Association

Note: The opinions expressed in the article are my own as a volunteer chaplain and do not reflect the views of any other entity.