Rescuing a Marriage

A couple was in the process of divorcing. The wife told her lawyer she hated her husband and wanted to “stick it” to him. Her lawyer suggested this:

“It’ll be a month before papers are ready. If you really want to hurt him, treat him great. Then when the papers come, he’ll know he was fooled.” She thought it was a great idea.

A month later, they called off their divorce.

While waiting for the papers, the wife showed patience with her husband, pointed out his good traits in front of others, listened to his ideas, and didn’t complain when her preferences weren’t met. The husband reciprocated; she was loved back.

“Love works and never fails” (1st Corinthians 13:8). This is how God tells us to treat everyone, including spouses!

A corrections officer felt guilty for his behavior that caused his divorce. Asked if his ex-wife had remarried, he replied no. He was encouraged to call her and apologize. The next day he shared that his ex said she’d “been waiting for his call.” They remarried.

What did these “marriage turnarounds” have in common? Humility.

Humble Solutions

The vengeful, ready-to-divorce wife repressed her usual behavior, showing fake respect and love. Although her intent was malicious, it still required humility and self-control to forego her normal impulses. She was amazed to see her husband change, then find herself loving him again!

Similarly, the guilt-ridden officer showed humility by admitting his failure and calling his ex-wife to apologize. It took courage to risk possible ridicule and rejection.

God tells us to pursue courage and humility and to admit our fears and flaws to one another. Such transparency can encourage the partner to feel safe and to open up as well—even if slowly. Then the dialogue and search for understanding and solutions can begin. One must be humble enough to start this healing process.

In contrast, pride separates people. A New York Times article, “The Trouble with Self-Esteem” (published February 3, 2002), reported that people with high self-esteem pose more difficulty to others than those with low self-esteem: “Feeling bad (or realistic) about yourself is not the source of social problems.”

This echoes God’s promise: “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted” (Matthew 23:12). True, right? Boasters aren’t viewed well by others, whereas those who humbly laud and help others are trusted. Therefore, don’t let pride keep you from trying to restore your marriage, even after a divorce.

With difficult detainees, you faithfully demonstrate characteristics of humility, civility, self-control, and helpfulness. You can choose to show these same characteristics to a grumpy spouse. When returning home from a shift and feeling exhausted, spending free time on marriage-building may be unappealing. But don’t delay this important work—ignored problems grow.

You persist at jail duties; therefore, give your marriage the same perseverance. You apologize and try again when you blow it, knowing that God will help. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful to forgive and cleanse us” (1 John 1:9). Then we’ll not be burdened by guilt, as was the officer mentioned at the beginning of this column.

The God Prescription

When a marriage is in distress, love may not be felt. However, by following God’s prescribed method of trust and connection, even the emotion of love can be reborn. The wife mentioned previously had poor intentions, but her loving words and actions created joy in her husband, then in herself.

God provides clear, effective, relationship guidance: “Be kind, patient, and don’t envy, boast, or be proud; don’t be self-centered or easily angered, and hold no grudge. Protect, trust, hope, and persevere.” (1st Corinthians 13:4–7).

He doesn’t say to feel love, but to show love. Loving thoughts and feelings can grow if “husbands love their wives and wives respect their husbands” (Ephesians 3:22).

Ever notice how the media show wives disparaging their husbands and it’s supposed to be funny? It’s never God-approved to denigrate anyone—in private or public.

Stay the Course

Satan works to make couples push each other’s buttons. Stay the course! It can be hard to apologize, especially if the spouse was partly (or even mostly), to blame. But if you contributed even a bit to the situation, apologize for that bit and see what happens. If your spouse apologizes, be gracious, accept it, and “forgive, just as God forgives you” (Colossians 3:13). Never bring it up again.

If the issue is a recurring struggle, pray with your spouse for him or her to overcome it. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

God even rejects our worship of him if we’re unreconciled. “If you are …at the altar and someone has something against you, go; first be reconciled…only then come and worship” (Matthew 5:23–24). He wants us to reconcile. It’s work, but divorce is also work—and with no happy ending.

If your marriage dispute is over a worldview, such as how to raise the kids or manage money, investigate resources on navigating such differences, like www.FamilyLife.com and www.MoneyWise.org.

If there’s abuse, a spouse is unfaithful, or there is another major issue and requests haven’t stopped the behavior, then separation can be beneficial. This lets the offending spouse know a behavior won’t be tolerated further and that change is required. For guidance on separation toward reconciliation, consider www.HopeRestored.com and www.FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Divorce is far less frequent for couples who attend church regularly, according to the Institute for Family Studies. While it is not a guaranteed or even a complete solution, try attending a bible-teaching church together for a few months to see if it makes a difference. If your weekend doesn’t include a Sunday, find a church with mid-week services or watch recorded services together.

Because God loves variety, no two people are alike, which makes life interesting but means we approach life differently, offering potential disagreement. Yet, differences are never the problem; it’s mismanaging them that creates conflict. That’s where counseling can help—perhaps through your EAP program, a community group, a religious organization, or the websites mentioned above. If needed, try more than one—don’t give up. Lean on God and apply his love prescription.

I’m praying for your marriage to be an adventure, stronger from life’s storms, by facing divisiveness with honesty and hope, overcoming issues as you trust God’s love for you.

Ever hopeful,

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Chaplain Linda Ahrens Chaplain American Jail Association

Note: The opinions expressed in the article are my own as a volunteer chaplain and do not reflect the views of any other entity.