Getting a Grip on Grumbling— a continuing series on nurturing your emotional and mental health

I love being a volunteer chaplain—solely for staff—at our county jail. I get to rove tier-to-tier, hearing about COs’ lives, seeing, and appreciating their service. Each manages 30-40 detainees who often behave like exhausting 3-year-olds. The demanding personalities and challenging situations which COs handle is impressive. Do they complain?

Grumbling is verbally expressing disappointment in a negative way. It’s self-pity, saying “I’m a victim!”

Correctional staff train to be alert, responsive, effective, and resilient. Being a “victim” doesn’t fit with those characteristics, does it?

Assess Yourself

Do you grumble (either mentally or aloud)? If so, how often, why, and where?—jail, home, store, church, on social media? For one day or shift, try to jot down each complaint you think or say, and its subject. The frequency may surprise you.

Consider: research shows that frequent complaining rewires the brain to be depressed, anxious, and unhappy—because we listen to ourselves! Complaining can raise blood pressure, create toxins, upset digestion and sleep. God knows this, and counsels, “A cheerful heart is good medicine…” (Proverbs 17:22). Our focusing on the negative saps energy, and distracts, which—at the jail—can give malicious detainees opportunity to harm.

In corrections, you de-escalate inmate situations, using self-control and training. If not already doing so, apply that self-restraint to reject complaining thoughts. De-escalate yourself. You’ll benefit health-wise, and improve relationships (since people avoid complainers). A spouse may get discouraged by hearing repeated grumbling. Kids who hear adults whining may get worried or fearful—even copy it. (If your kids are whiners, where’d they learn it?)

To Whom Should we Complain?

Complain to those who can remedy the situation. Perhaps you did so to a retailer, and received a solution. That’s effective, positive communication (if done civilly).

It’s best to bring a gripe privately and respectfully to the one who causes or allows the problem, or who can fix it. If you’re known to rarely complain, this might be taken more seriously. If it’s a policy issue, perhaps take it to your union rep, or even consider a petition.

Yet, if you grumble to one without capability to rectify an issue, will you feel better? Maybe. “Venting” might free you to move on, emotionally, but at the expense of bringing others down.

It also makes us feel worse, if we complain to those who don’t care, or who can’t improve a matter, because we relive the issue by repeating it, plus waste our and their time. Nothing good is accomplished.

We should share significant challenges, for guidance, and selectively, with wise advisors who have courage to confront us, where needed: “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and you’ll be wise.” (Proverbs 19:20). Clarify if the matter is confidential. Pick a time convenient for both. Be clear, concise, and calm.

Perhaps your grumbles criticize others. If you believe that’s simply exercising free speech, consider: God saw it as sin when Aaron and Miriam criticized Moses, since they knew God had put Moses in charge. Their complaint was rebellion against God’s choice.

However, we can present our complaints to God and his representatives. In Exodus, enslaved Jews complained to God who answered, freeing them. Your faith leader or chaplain is ready to be a confidential ear, help you see God’s presence amid challenges, and seek His wisdom through prayer and scripture.

If trusting God, complaining doesn’t impugn Him with wrong. Rather, it’s honest groaning about trouble (Romans 8:20–23), and asking God for help amid it. He encourages such lament, such as: “I cry out to the Lord…plead for mercy…pour out my complaint…tell my trouble.” (Psalm 142:1–2).

One-third of Psalms, and all of Lamentations contain complaints and pleas to God, modeling how to complain in ways that honor Him. Doing so reminds us that He’s with us in any trial, cares, and fully understands. After all, when God came to earth and took on human form to be tortured and killed for our sin, Jesus expressed sorrow to the Father; he understands pain. To rely on ourselves, and not turn to God cheats ourself of his strength and loving wisdom.

God gave humans free will to love or ignore him, and to obey or rebel against his protective commands. This is because He wants voluntary relationship and affection—as we each want, right? God’s in charge, but lets humans make bad decisions that don’t reflect His character, bringing calamity on themselves and others.

Can Difficulty Be Turned into A Positive?

Rather than let a challenging situation control our feelings, we can choose a positive attitude, and redirect that energy surge toward a good action, such as:

• Be silent. Expressing frustration is a choice; restraint to choose silence conserves energy and avoids discouraging others. “There is a time to be silent….” (Ecclesiastes 3:7).

• Look for opportunities. If rotated to an undesirable post, what can you learn there, or who can you get to know?

• Seek solutions. Try them. Being active is an effective antidote to feeling like a victim.

• Acknowledge the good. Research shows that people who choose to be grateful are far happier and healthier than gripers. Gratefulness is best for us, and God even commands it: “Give thanks in every situation.” (Philippians 4:4)—not for every situation, but while in the midst of it, focus on what is positive. Example: you’re mandated, but can thank God that you’re not blind or paralyzed, are able to work, and provide for yourself. Suggestion: jot down good things as they happen. It’s harder to recall good when upset, sad, or mad, but if you’ve built such a list, it’s at hand to review in difficult times!

• Teach by example. When you’re not visibly upset by an issue, others may notice and see that they too can choose to be less negative. At home, perhaps a kid storms, “I can’t get my shoes on!” Turn it into a lesson: “I use a shoe horn; want to learn how?” or “Can you ask for help, like ‘would you help me with my shoes?’” Then, verbally applaud those at work and home who make positive choices.

• Get another’s opinion. We may see a problem larger than it is, or inaccurately. Ask someone wise, how they view the situation. Seeking counsel can build relationships and reveal potential solutions.

• If you wrongly complained to someone, apologize: “I’m sorry I dumped on your day; forgive me?” That’s huge with anyone, especially kids, who see that it’s possible and good to humbly admit flaws.

• What’s God doing in the situation? Find and read biblical entries about the problem’s topic, then pray for understanding. If you’re treated unfairly, choose to trust Him: “But if— when you do what is right—you suffer, and patiently endure, this finds favor with God, since Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example to follow.” (1st Peter 2:20b—21).

Why Do We Expect Perfection?

We complain because things aren’t perfect, which we want. God created us to inhabit a perfect world, as was Eden until mankind disobeyed God’s single, loving law for Adam and Eve’s well-being. God gives us free will, and as you know from those detained at jail, people choose to disobey, creating chaos.

Yet, perfection will return; it’s promised in the Bible’s last book, Revelation, chapters 21 and 22. Hundreds of detailed, biblical prophecies came true over thousands of years. Revelation contains the final ones yet to come: the end of this world and Christ’s return with a new heaven, and new Earth.

Knowing this perfection is coming for those who accept Christ, puts daily disappointments into perspective. I thank God—and literally cheer—when I anticipate it. I hope that you and each whom you love chooses to accept Jesus’s payment for sin. God hopes this, too: “God wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth…that there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all people.” (1st Timothy 2:3-6)

A leaflet, Eternity & Life, on AJA’s website in Publications, explains how to gain assurance of this coming, perfect eternity, and avoid the punishment of hell. God wants all to be free of the bondage of complaint, and to trust Him who loves us so much that He died for us.

Thank you for your service.

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Chaplain Linda Ahrens Chaplain American Jail Association

Sources:

The Bible

How Complaining Rewires Your Brain For Negativity Dr. Travis Bradberry, Dec. 28, 2017

Complaining God’s Way Andrew Rogers, Jun 27, 2017

www.christianpost.com/what-the-bible-says-about-grumbling-may-surprise-you.html.

www.psychologytoday.com/does-complaining-damage-our-mental-health:

www.desiringgod.org/how-to-complain-without-grumbling

www.compellingtruth.org/Bible-complaining.html